Permission to feel

Permission to feel. How to use the power of emotions for the benefit of yourself free summary

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Permission to feel
Permission to feel

Are we against emotions?

Permission to feel: Emotions are a huge and integral part of our lives. We experience them constantly and for any reason, this is one of the most ancient and stable adaptation mechanisms of evolution. Emotions give us signals of alarm and danger, they also help us feel when we can relax and unwind. Emotions allow us to establish spiritual contact with loved ones and avoid trouble. When we experience emotions, we feel alive.

Why do we try so hard to get rid of them and drive into the children’s heads that “girls don’t get angry” and “boys don’t cry”? Why do we dislike it so much when others show their emotions, and prefer to turn the conversation to another topic? The answer is simple – because we do not know how to handle them. Not all emotions are pleasant, sometimes they overwhelm us at the most inopportune time, forcing us to do inappropriate actions and feel vulnerable. We are afraid of looking stupid and believe that forbidding ourselves to feel is the best way out.

However, do not forget that it is impossible to suppress negative emotions alone. By turning off the emotional faucet, we deprive ourselves of the entire flow, and therefore of positive emotions too. We not only avoid a difficult conversation with a colleague but also close the door to intimate relationships with a partner. We lose the ability to determine what exactly we feel, and it seems like we are numb from the inside. Being unable to understand ourselves, we deprive others of this chance. And most importantly, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to influence our own lives.

In addition, the suppression of emotions only becomes stronger. They do not go away on their own but accumulate and turn into an emotional debt that will have to be paid sooner or later – a nervous breakdown or physical illness.

Mark Brackett, director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of Let Yourself Feel, states that, fortunately, managing emotions is an accessible skill that can be broken down into five components: recognition, understanding, naming, expression, and management. By mastering each of the five components, you will learn to recognize your own and other people’s emotions, as well as competently express them at home, at school, and at work. Mark will turn you into a real scientist in the world of emotions and tell you how to allow yourself to feel to the fullest without harming yourself and others.

What are emotions?

We constantly experience one emotion or another, and often many emotions at once. Our emotions are not a single event that happens to us from time to time, but a continuous stream, endless waves that roll on one after another. Of course, we cannot concentrate exclusively on internal sensations all the time, otherwise, we will not have the strength to do other things. However, you can’t completely ignore your feelings.

Emotions are a special kind of information. They are like news reports from the psyche about what is happening inside us in response to an internal or external stimulus. In order to make an informed and thoughtful decision, we must access this information and translate its message into human language.

Emotions have evolved as a survival mechanism. Fear helps us avoid danger, suspicion makes us smarter, and peace helps us build trust with others. Every emotion has its own purpose, which means that negative emotions simply do not exist. There are emotions that we don’t like to experience, it’s true, but ignoring their signals is as unreasonable as the alarm about a fire.

The influence of emotions is enormous. They permeate all spheres of our life, and it would be difficult to find a process in which they would not affect us in any way. However, the author identifies five aspects that emotions affect the most.

1. Attention, memory, and learning ability

The direction of our attention, the effectiveness of memorization, and the speed of learning to depend on our emotional state. Strong negative emotions – fear, anger, despair – work like blinders and narrow the viewing angle. We only see what is directly in front of us and ignore everything on the sides 1. At such moments, our body produces the stress hormone cortisol, which interferes with the prefrontal cortex to process information effectively. If stress becomes chronic, our ability to learn is significantly reduced.

However, a moderate level of stress has a positive effect on learning, as it increases our ability to concentrate. Emotions that are considered negative also play an important role in this process: a pessimistic attitude allows us to calculate possible complications several moves ahead, guilt acts as a moral compass, anxiety makes us double-check the written text for errors, even anger can encourage us to apply a little more effort and themes will help to cope with a difficult task. This is another argument in favor of the fact that getting rid of negative emotions in life and in the classroom is ineffective, it is only important to learn how to manage them.

2. Decision making

We tend to think that we make decisions based on reason and logical premises. In fact, in most cases, we are based on emotions. In a state of calm and good mood, we come to one conclusion and succumb to fear, anger or sadness – to the diametrically opposite, although the facts remain unchanged.

Anxiety helps you focus on details, double-check everything carefully, and possibly refrain from jumping to conclusions. But it also prevents us from making spontaneous actions, often leading to the best adventures in life.

High spirits can make it difficult to make a sound judgment about the risks that come with an investment decision. On the other hand, a sense of contentment and self-confidence allows us to focus more on intuition, whose prompts are sometimes more important than the arguments of reason.

All this does not mean that emotions should be excluded from the decision-making process. On the contrary, you can perceive them as another – and very significant – the source of information.

Before making an important decision, ask yourself: Am I thinking this because I’m angry and upset, or do I really have reason to be worried? Am I so confident because I feel a surge of enthusiasm, or are my expectations really justified?

permission to feel by marc brackett

3. Relationships

Despite the complexity and layering of human alliances, the underlying dynamic of a relationship is simple: we either approach or avoid. We give other people signals about whether they should make contact with us, and we ourselves read the same signals from others. It is difficult to deny the huge role that emotions play in this process.

However, what we see on the outside does not always correspond to what is happening inside a person, and, relying on the first impression and basic emotions, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to understand the situation

A child’s bad behavior does not always mean that he wants to annoy others on purpose, most often it is just an inept cry for help. An irritated person is not always angry with you, often at this moment he feels severe hunger or fatigue.

permission to feel by marc brackett

If we keep this in mind, instead of retaliatory aggression, we can offer a person help, and the further situation will develop in a mutually beneficial manner. That is why it is so important to be able to manage your own and others’ emotional states.

4. Health

The difference between good and bad stress is determined by two parameters – duration and intensity.

Experiencing short-term stress while preparing a difficult presentation for an important client is not the same as being forced to constantly work overtime and prepare presentations for clients under pressure from a boss until the beneficial stress of performing a complex task becomes chronic.

permission to feel by marc brackett

In such a situation, our brain is washed by endless waves of cortisol, which affects not only the emotional background but also the physical state of the body.

Anxiety, anger, sadness, and stress are strongly associated with unhealthy behaviors such as poor diet, smoking, drinking, lack of exercise, and social isolation. All of these manifestations make a significant contribution to the development of heart disease, cancer, type 2 diabetes, addictions, and dementia. In turn, these diseases severely affect our emotional state, and the circle closes.

But sadness, released through tears, provokes the removal of stress hormones from the body. Feeling grateful increases the level of oxygen in the tissues speeds up recovery and has a positive effect on immunity.

The state of being in love increases the level of a protein that maintains the vitality of neurons, which helps to restore the nervous system and, contrary to popular belief about being in love, improves memory. Laughter literally prolongs life, as it increases the flow of beta-endorphins, which elevate mood and stimulate the production of hormones that restore cells. Being in a good mood, we are less prone to unhealthy behavior, which only contributes to emotional and physical well-being.

5. Creativity

Creativity – that is, the ability to respond to a stimulus by going beyond the usual pattern – is inherent not only to artists, but to all of us, and this quality largely determines the vector of our life. It is creativity that moves society forward and ensures progress and innovation.

This quality is especially important in an ever-accelerating and the changing world because the faster we can come up with a plan B and switch to it, the more successful we will be in any business, no matter what we do. However, first, we need to deal with the anger and frustration that inevitably accompanies the failure of Plan A, and not just suppress them, but put them into a motivating channel. In order to learn how to effectively manage the most unpleasant emotions, we must try on the role of explorers.

What is an Emotional Explorer?

An emotion explorer is a person who has basic Emotional Intelligence 2  (EQ) skills. Classical IQ implies the ability to think logically, while EQ implies the ability to recognize one’s own and others’ emotions, as well as the ability to manage one’s own emotional background and the emotional reactions of others.

The researcher of emotions understands how they affect his behavior, ability to learn, and propensity to make certain decisions.

In total, the author identifies five basic skills that form the basis of emotional intelligence:

1. Emotion recognition – the ability to notice a change in thoughts, mood, facial expression, and voice. This is the first clue that something important is happening.

2. Understanding – the ability to use questions to find out what caused these emotions, and to know how they affect our thoughts and behavior. This helps you better predict your own and others’ behavior.

3. Naming – the skill of putting emotional experience into words that accurately describe it. People with a rich emotional vocabulary are better at recognizing similar emotions like fear, anxiety, horror, panic, tension, etc. This helps them choose the best response strategy and reduces misunderstandings in social interactions.

4. Expression – knowing when and how best to express your emotions depending on the social situation. This gives us the opportunity to show others how we feel without violating their boundaries.

5. Management – the ability to control the amplitude of one’s own emotional reactions and determine which reaction would be most appropriate in given circumstances, as well as interact with the emotions of others in a mutually beneficial way.

Below we will look at how to independently acquire all five EQ skills.

1. Recognition

All emotions have two parameters – intensity and character. Even if we cannot clearly define what exactly we feel, most often we are able to understand how strong emotion is overwhelming us and whether we like its effect or not

2. Understanding

Understanding begins with the question, “Why do I feel this way or that way?” What caused these emotions? What is the reason? Why now, under these circumstances? It is not easy to answer this question. Before thinking about it, you may have experienced a whole complex of events and memories, as a result of which one emotion pulled another along with it. Imagine that you are peeling an onion. The deeper you look, the more complete the research picture will be.

To understand what triggered a certain emotion in you, ask yourself:

  • What happened now? What was I doing before this happened?
  • What could cause this feeling or such a reaction?
  • What events of this morning or yesterday evening might have affected my feelings?
  • What exactly do I remember about how the situation developed?

An emotional outburst indicates that something has happened, but what exactly happened remains unclear. There is no point in scolding a child for bad behavior without finding out what caused it. At best, we will be able to forcefully change the symptoms, but we will not turn to the disease. The same applies to adults. Before judging a person for inappropriate emotions, one should try to find out what could have caused such behavior.

If you want to understand why the other person is behaving in a certain way, ask them:

  • What do you think caused your reaction?
  • What usually makes you feel this way?
  • What’s going on right now that makes you feel this way?
  • What were you doing before the emotions hit? To whom you were?
  • What do you need now? How can I support you?

And if you want to develop emotional intelligence skills in your child, try the following exercise. Read together a fairy tale or any interesting story that reveals the inner world of the hero, and ask the child a few questions:

  • Why do you think this character did this? How does he feel?
  • Why does he feel this way?
  • What helped you understand how he feels? What did you pay attention to?
  • If the same thing happened to you, how would you feel?

Understanding our own and others’ emotions requires us to have storytelling skills, the ability to put situations in perspective and find repetitive patterns in external stimuli and our reactions to them. The researcher of emotions does not judge, he asks questions and looks for answers.

3. Name

Now it’s time to determine exactly how you feel. At this stage, we begin to take concrete actions and name emotions.

Found yourself in a red square because your neighbor was rude to you? Let’s figure out which emotion prevails now. Are you angry or just very upset? Scared or rather concerned about what happened? The principle of operation is this: we move from the main color to its shade.

Modern science identifies six basic emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust. However, each of these emotions has a thousand shades that we learn to distinguish during our lives. Some shades are so similar to each other that we often confuse them and therefore cannot adequately cope with the situation.

Let’s look at the example of several of the most common groups of such twin emotions:

  • Shame, guilt, embarrassment. Shame arises at the moment when we think that others are condemning us for violating some moral code or set of ethical rules. We are afraid that we will be treated worse. Guilt comes from feelings of remorse and the realization that we are responsible for the actions that hurt someone. Embarrassment occurs when others catch us in a minor violation of accepted norms, such as inappropriate appearance. All three emotions are similar, but their causes and possible coping mechanisms are different.
  • Jealousy and envy. Jealousy comes from the fear of losing what we have; usually, it concerns a person who is especially dear to us. Envy is the desire to have what we do not have. It can be a person, a thing, a relationship, or a reputation. Unlike jealousy, envy can act as a catalyst for change that will allow us to get what we crave on our own. This is a powerful emotion with great creative power, the main thing is to learn how to use it wisely.
  • Joy and satisfaction. Joy belongs to the yellow square – it is a bright, strong emotion, usually arising from the feeling that we finally got what we wanted. Satisfaction belongs to the green square and indicates that we feel our integrity and the sufficiency of everything around us. Due to Western cultural attitudes, we have become accustomed to mistaking joy for happiness, even though true happiness is more like contentment. The fact that we do not experience joy every second does not mean that we are unhappy.
  • Stress and tension. Stress arises in response to the fact that the number of requirements exceeds the number of resources. For example, let’s say you have a lot of household and childcare responsibilities piled on at the same time as an urgent work project. It is a debilitating state that does not help us cope with tasks, but only exacerbates the situation. Tension is the feeling that the outcome that matters to you depends on how you cope with the task. Will you pass the exam, will you pass the job interview? The stakes are high and the outcome is unknown. Unlike stress, tension helps us pull ourselves together, focus on the task at hand, and give the best we can at the moment. If you direct the energy of tension in a peaceful direction, it will work for the result, and not against it

4. Expression

We pass from the internal experience of interaction with emotions to the external experience. Let’s start with the basics – expressing emotions is important. It strengthens the immune system, lowers blood pressure, improves mood in the long term, reduces stress levels, and increases engagement in work and concentration. The inability to express emotions deprives us of help because if we cannot really explain what we feel, others cannot guess what exactly is required of them. In addition, it greatly complicates building close relationships, because, in order to convey the meaning of our actions, we must be able to emotionally motivate them. Don’t say, “Do as I say. My house, my rules,” and explain: “I love you very much and I worry a lot when you stay late with friends because anything can happen. Please come home at the appointed time or warn of a delay.”

The main principle that should be followed when expressing emotions is: there is a stimulus – there is a reaction. How and what you say will inevitably lead to an emotional reaction from the other person, and you need to be prepared for this. You should not dump all your emotions on another without permission, scream and cry for any reason, freak out and behave hysterically. This is not environmentally friendly and, as a rule, does not end with anything good. However, this does not mean that in all circumstances it is necessary to pretend that nothing is happening.

The way you express emotions depends on the goal you want to achieve. If you want to find a compromise and a mutually beneficial solution to a difficult situation, showing anger and aggression boiling in you will not be the most reasonable solution. Before expressing your irritation to a person, think about what exactly caused it. Perhaps you are just hungry and your loved one has nothing to do with it?

If you have been able to identify what you are feeling, figure out the reasons for the occurrence of specific emotions, and want to discuss the situation with the person, choose the right moment when he will be in a relatively calm state and speak following a simple pattern:

  • Here’s how I feel and why.
  • I would like it to continue like this.
  • That’s what I need from you right now.

So you don’t just dump your emotions on the other person in their original form, but you conduct a conversation constructively and in the final offer a strategy that the other side can follow.

Expression of emotions is a dual skill. The listener plays a big role in the process, and it is often in this role that we do the worst. When another person shares their emotions with you, listen carefully. Be open, patient, and empathetic. Don’t cross your arms, don’t look away, don’t walk around the room looking menacing.

Remember that most communication takes place on a non-verbal level. And even if you repeat a hundred times that you are listening, but you will not look into the eyes of the interlocutor, no one will believe you. Try to show with your posture, gestures, and look: “I am with you, I do not blame you, I am ready to accept what you say and help you.”

5. Management

Stanford University psychology professor and emotional regulation expert James Gross defines emotion management as follows: “It is the process by which individual influences what emotions he experiences, when he experiences them, and how he experiences and expresses these emotions.” Thus, emotional regulation does not mean giving up experiencing feelings or trying to experience only pleasant emotions, but rather the opposite – allowing you to accept and live absolutely all your feelings.

The author identifies five key strategies that help regulate emotions:

1. Practice mindful breathing. This technique helps to slow down the release of stress hormones by reducing the heart rate. From a psychological point of view, we harmonize consciousness and regain control over our own reactions. There are many mindful breathing techniques. You can count up to ten according to the principle: inhale 1 / exhale 1, inhale 2 / exhale 2, etc. Or pay attention to the breath and gently return the fleeing thoughts to this process. And you can mentally repeat various words, for example, say “peace” on the inhale, “relaxation” on the exhale.

2. Plan ahead. If you know that an upcoming event will cause you negative emotions, plan in advance the course of action and options for how you can avoid an unpleasant development of the situation. For example, a colleague wants you to meet in person, but you put it off because you know that he will put pressure on you and make you feel uncomfortable. Invite other teammates to a meeting, and you will feel supported and strong to resist the onslaught.

3. Shift the focus of attention. Averting your eyes from an unpleasant scene, distracting yourself with a relaxing visualization, talking to yourself like a best friend – all this helps to shift the focus of attention from overwhelming emotions and gradually calm down. For example, if you are catastrophizing, come up with a code phrase that you will pronounce when you catch yourself thinking about how bad everything is, and how it will get worse. For example: “Dear X, this is not true, but only a figment of your imagination.” Or: “Public speaking is scary for everyone. You were just as scared last time, but nothing bad happened. Everything will go well this time, you just need to start.”

4. Change the angle of view. We are able to choose from what angle to look at this or that situation. For example, if a store clerk is rude and careless to you, you might decide: “He probably thinks I don’t have money and despises me for it.” The natural reaction to such an assumption is anger and irritation. Now let’s try to look at the situation from a different angle: “It seems that he just hates his job, or maybe he received bad news and is now upset.” Instead of a wounded ego, you will feel curiosity and compassion.

5. Pause. A moment of silence gives us room to maneuver. After stopping the ebullient reaction, we can ask ourselves: “Did I understand everything correctly?” Or even say, “Maybe I should pause and take a deep breath so I don’t break loose and throw a tantrum that I’ll really regret later.” We intuitively know that this approach works, but it also has a scientific basis: slowing down activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which reduces the release of cortisol and lowers the emotional temperature. Pause and imagine how the best version of you would react to this situation. Think about reputation: what do you want to hear about yourself from the lips of others, and what emotions do you hope to see in people in relation to you when communicating? Then proceed in one of the ways suggested above.

How to apply EQ skills in life

House

At work, where our behavior determines our professional reputation, relationships with colleagues, and the course of career development, we try to show the best version of ourselves: a person who never loses his calm, always collected and ready to help. We get used to suppressing emotions and by the end of the day, we feel tired and irritated. Returning home, we are waiting to open the door to the Garden of Eden with a peaceful, pleasant, relaxing atmosphere, where everyone is cheerful and happy with each other. In reality, we open the door to ordinary life with a mess, a tired partner, and screaming children. And, being no longer able to control ourselves, we release the accumulated tension.

This is a bad strategy for two reasons: first, it destroys relationships with a partner and other family members; secondly, we set a bad example for children who learn to manage emotions by imitating adults and nothing else.

To make unpleasant scenes less likely, you need to learn how to start managing emotions in advance – before you return home.

Get yourself a reminder symbol, seeing which you will begin to consciously lower your emotional temperature (for example, through breathing exercises). Anything can be such a symbol: a flower standing at the exit from the office, a building that you pass every day on your way home, a bus stop or a metro station.

Another way to remind yourself and your family how you want your home to feel is to create an emotional charter. It is a written document that describes how each member of the family wants to feel at home and contains a list of mutual obligations that will help maintain this atmosphere. Gather together after dinner and discuss:

  • What feelings and emotions do we want to experience in the family circle? The answer may be love, respect, security, gratitude, playfulness, happiness, calmness, and peace.
  • What can we do to make ourselves feel that way as often as possible? For example, every day before going to bed, say to each other “I love you.” Or: “If mom says that she is very tired and wants to rest, you need to take three deep breaths and think of how you can help her.”
  • What will we do if the charter’s statutes are not implemented? For example, if one family member behaves disrespectfully towards another, “we will listen carefully and without judgment to a person who believes that the charter has been violated.”

Draw or print the final text and hang the charter in a prominent place. All households will be able to turn to her at moments when emotions go off scale and practical skills seem to fly out of their heads.

To help your child improve their emotional intelligence skills, repeat the following four steps as often as possible:

1. Tune in. Ask the child how he feels now and how he wants to feel. By putting emotions into words, we appropriate them and give ourselves the right to feel. Remember that you are the main role model for your child, which means that facial expressions, intonations, gestures, posture – everything matters.

2. Explore. Help your child understand what he is feeling and name it. Do not make assumptions or judge the child for showing emotions, listen to understand the reason, and give the child unconditional support. Remember that behavior is a symptom, not a disease.

3. Suggest strategies. Once you understand how your child is feeling, offer him a strategy to help him cope with emotions: take a few deep breaths, come up with an encouraging phrase for himself, and look at the situation from a different perspective. Let him decide for himself which strategies suit him best. If all else fails, hug and just be there.

4. Work on your mistakes. Do not reproach yourself and the child for failures. Learning new things is a process. Together, analyze the problematic situation, think about what each of you could have done differently, what lessons can be learned from this case, and come up with a strategy for the future

Studies

Everyone suffers from frustration, stress, and overstrain – both students and their teachers. Tired, burnt-out teachers are not ready to encourage initiative, freely communicate and praise students. And driven, constantly worrying about grades, students lose the ability to concentrate and learn well. That is why it is so important for kindergartens, schools, and higher education institutions to invest in the development of emotional intelligence in caregivers, teachers, and teachers so that they can then pass on the acquired skills to their wards.

To be successful in this field, the efforts of teachers must be:

  • sustainable. It is important not only to remind children of the skills of emotional regulation from time to time but to constantly demonstrate successful communication strategies with all their behavior. The emotional investment in teaching cannot be overestimated. Depending on the emotional background of the teacher, any subject can be the most boring or the most interesting in the world. The initiative, curiosity, and a propensity to look for innovative solutions – all depend on whether teachers can create a sufficiently stimulating, but at the same time safe environment for children to develop.
  • Proactive. Teachers, like everyone else, tend to be reactive—that is, they prefer to deal with problems as they arise. However, in the context of learning, this approach does not work. It is unlikely that a child will come to the director and say: “The fact is that in most lessons I experience fear and anxiety. Could you send me to a teacher who can help with this?” Kindergarten teachers and teachers should initiate discussions of EQ skills and ask leading questions to children when they sense someone is falling behind or misbehaving.
  • Meaningful. In order to actively learn new skills, children, especially adolescents and young adults, need to understand why this is necessary and what practical results they will get from learning. It is important not just to talk about emotional regulation skills, but to demonstrate how they help to cope with specific situations in practice. For greater clarity, you can analyze specific cases from life with children or discuss examples from fiction.

Work

Times are changing and more people are moving to remote or hybrid work schedules, but work, whatever form it takes, is still a very emotional environment.

At work, we are forced to interact with people whose habits, values, and outlook on life may be fundamentally different from ours, and building effective working relationships with them requires strong emotional regulation skills. “I deserve a raise” is an emotional thought that occurs in response to feeling overwhelmed and the reward inconsistent with the perception of self-worth. Many of us associate the feeling of personal fulfillment with our professional activities. We are all familiar with the situation when one disgruntled, toxic person who cannot get along with anyone ruins the work of the entire team.

Fortunately, leaders of modern companies are increasingly coming to the same conclusion: taking into account the emotional aspects of the lives of their employees, they not only contribute to their personal well-being, but also significantly increase labor productivity, and therefore the success of the entire organization.

To help employees gain emotional intelligence skills, leaders can take the following steps:

  • Organize corporate EQ training courses. You can invite a team of specialists or ask a corporate psychologist to develop a program that is right for your company.
  • Encourage employees to be direct about how they feel overwhelmed and feel that work-sharing is unfair. This helps to prevent burnout and allows you to notice and correct weak links in the processes before they interfere with the work of the entire company. However, one must understand that appeals alone are not enough: a culture of openness and free expression of thoughts and feelings should be encouraged in the company.
  • Show vulnerability. A leader is to employees what a teacher is to students. Role model, role model, and bearer of unspoken rules that are easily read by all team members. If you, as a leader, are afraid to show vulnerability and admit your own ignorance and imperfection, it is unlikely that your employees will feel free enough to speak out about their feelings and experiences.

In the context of working relationships, emotional intelligence helps not only to show empathy and empathy for others but also to have difficult conversations, give unpleasant feedback and announce unpopular decisions – but do it in such a way that as a result of each unpleasant conversation, the person leaves with an insight into how you can deal with the situation and learn valuable lessons from it 

Top 10 Thoughts

1. Emotions are an integral part of our lives. We can’t let go of unpleasant emotions and continue to experience positive ones. By closing one valve, we stop the entire flow.

2. Any emotion has an important purpose, so emotions are not divided into negative and positive. All emotions are important, you just need to learn how to correctly read the information coming through them.

3. Emotions have two basic parameters: intensity and character. The skill of recognizing emotions is to understand which category the feeling that has taken possession of you belongs to: bright pleasant/unpleasant, weak pleasant/unpleasant. At this stage, we determine the base color of the emotion.

4. After assigning emotion to one of the four categories, it is important to understand where it came from. To do this, you need to remember what preceded the key event and what aspects of it made you react in this way.

5. Then we move from the base color to its shades. Naming emotions give us and those around us the opportunity to better understand what exactly we feel and what are the possible mechanisms for overcoming this particular experience.

6. The main principle that should be followed when expressing emotions: there is a stimulus – there is a reaction. Do not unleash your emotions on others without asking. Wait for an opportune moment and propose a strategy that the other side can follow.

7. Emotional regulation is the ability to live all our feelings in an ecological way without violating the boundaries of others, as well as the ability to influence what emotions we experience ourselves and evoke in others.

8. It is important to start the process of emotional regulation before you get home from work. Get a symbol – a reminder of the need to start lowering the emotional temperature and draw up a “Charter of Emotions”.

9. When teaching emotional intelligence skills, be resilient, proactive, and result-oriented. Try to show by example how EQ skills can be applied in life.

10. The well-being of the entire organization depends on the well-being of employees. Use your emotional intelligence skills to create a culture of openness and free expression in your company.


1.  Read the summary of Daniel Kahneman‘s new book Noise. The flaws of human judgment”

2.  Read the summary of Daniel Goleman‘s book Emotional Intelligence. Why it might mean more than IQ

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